Jokes

T Dog · October 09, 2014, 10:52:18 AM

Spanish police arrested 12 lazy bulls today.
They were later released without charge.

::)

T Dog · October 10, 2014, 10:42:07 AM

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. :o

T Dog · October 11, 2014, 04:20:49 PM

Some saturday punnies: ::)

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end

Gardeners always know the ground rules

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club but I hadd never met herbivore.

A dentist married a manicurist, but they fought tooth and nail

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes

;D ;D

T Dog · October 13, 2014, 10:29:07 AM

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo. :o

T Dog · October 14, 2014, 10:09:06 AM

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

GoLions · October 14, 2014, 10:11:51 AM

Quote from: T Dog on October 14, 2014, 10:09:06 AM
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

haha that's gold

T Dog · October 15, 2014, 11:05:56 AM

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation. 8)

T Dog · October 16, 2014, 09:22:24 AM

Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left... ::)

T Dog · October 17, 2014, 03:34:27 PM

A Jamaican wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here is your first question", the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"

8)

T Dog · October 18, 2014, 11:38:10 AM

A man was unhappy with the way his laundry was done at the local Laundry.

So he wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:

USE MORE SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!

He got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so, the following week he enclosed another note:

USE MORE SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!

The laundry man became very annoyed, and when his clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

I USED PLENTY OF SOAP ON YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!

YOU SHOULD USE MORE PAPER ...!!! :o

T Dog · October 19, 2014, 04:43:47 PM

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.

The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!" 8)

T Dog · October 20, 2014, 09:03:05 AM

Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.

"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."

The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.

He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."

He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.

"Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."

Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.

Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."

Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.

"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown.

"What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"

Big Mac · October 20, 2014, 04:56:09 PM

Why is the African cricket team so good?

They always have Ebola.

T Dog · October 21, 2014, 08:27:59 AM

At a funeral, a heart shaped coffin was made for a cardiologist.
A doctor attending the funeral started laughing.
When asked why he is laughing ??
He said..I am thinking of my funeral ..I am a Gyanecologist :o

You can use this one Toro Doc.. ;D

T Dog · October 22, 2014, 08:02:31 AM

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Color of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Color of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-Color of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door ............. and then the husband started crying
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....We will find your car. 8)