Jokes

[T Dog]

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Cannibals like to meat people.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Gardeners always know the ground rules.
8)

[T Dog]

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes

When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

I used to work for a blanket factory, but the company folded.

What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"

Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.
8)

[T Dog]

Two guys rented a boat and go fishing. They found a great spot and caught tons of fish all day. Just fish after fish.
Finally when it was getting late, one guy turns to the other and says "Wow this is the greatest fishing spot ever! We should put a big ''X'' in the bottom of the boat to mark this spot for next time."
The second guy turns to the first and says "Wait just a second. What if we don't get the same boat?"

[tor01doc]

I race snails. Had a great idea one day.

Took the shell off my fastest snail - lighter weight and all that.

Didn't seem to work - sort of made him more sluggish.

[tor01doc]

What does Mr C the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey.

[T Dog]

what did the pirate do to his drowining first mate?..... C P ARRRRRRRRR

[Spite]

I race snails. Had a great idea one day.

Took the shell off my fastest snail - lighter weight and all that.

Didn't seem to work - sort of made him more sluggish.

Unbelievably good!

[Ringo]

Not really a joke but thought this is one of the best faux paux pictures i have seen for a while from todays Scottish Referendum

[BratPack]

what did the pirate do to his drowining first mate?..... C P ARRRRRRRRR

That joke was bad and you should feel bad

[T Dog]

what did the pirate do to his drowining first mate?..... C P ARRRRRRRRR

That joke was bad and you should feel bad

Always nice to be noticed BratPack  ;D

[T Dog]

More Interesting Facts


'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing..as do some other body parts to eh??.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
The words 'racecar,'and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber band last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

[nas]

Just for Elephants.
What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
    grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the
    outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns
    blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns
    blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree. - similar joke -
Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck...
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute
    practice.)
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg....
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.
Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back..
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 8kph
Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door..
Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW
    bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open
    the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the
    fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold
    two VW's!
Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.
Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all
    of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe!
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the
    'F' out of the way.
Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the
    hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses
    on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream,
    5 tons of bananas,.....
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the
    afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are skydiving.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the
    afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon....
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute
    jumping.
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.
Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 o'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the
    street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have     big twats.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Because sheep don't have strings.
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
Q: What is an elephant's s*x organ?
A: His foot.... If he steps on you you're F*CKED!
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
Q: What did the female elephant say during s*x?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"
Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's
    lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive..
Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!
Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.
Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.
Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (somebody want to explain this
    for me?)
Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.
Q: What's that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.
Q: How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your back
    yard?
A: The fence is broken and one of your Hefty bags is gone.
Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the
    mountain slopes?
A: Swim for your life!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A: A bl*w job.
Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.
Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.
Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat
    of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat
    of your car?
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!
Q: Whats more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back
    seat of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!
Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.
Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Garbage bags!
Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!
Q: Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
A: Because if an elephant steps on them, they're f*cked!
Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized
    he'd stepped on a pygmie?
A: Look what I just stepped in!
Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep!
Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See, it works!!!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A: A dead rat with an 18 inch as*hole!
Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.
Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove
    compartment.
Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get into
    everything!)
Q. What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant?
A. About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining!
Q: How do you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain
    climber?!?
A: Silly, a mountain climber is a scaler and you can't cross a vector
    with a scalar!
Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
Q: What do you do with a elephant with 3 balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the bear
Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs..
Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant. (From the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl
    Jokes")
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
A: The 'Elephino!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orang-utan?
A: One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.
Q: How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?
A: Stuff a bale of hay in it.
Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?
A: One straw at a time.
Q: What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A: An elephant with diarrhoea.

[Ringo]

How many match elephants!!  ;)

[nas]

How many match elephants!!  ;)

Bottom 1 << Pardon the pun

[T Dog]

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"