Jokes

[T Dog]

I got my hair highlighted because I feel some strands are more important than others  ;D

[T Dog]

Im reading a book on anti-gravity, it's impossible to put down.  :o

[T Dog]

All in all.... it was a good orgy... ::)

think about it... ;D

[T Dog]

Toro Doc...Toro Doc.. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Can you help?

After a quick think Toro Doc advised.. Ah, you must have analogy.

8)

[T Dog]

Brad:...Hey Nige can you describe yourself in three words? ...
Big Nigey:... Lazy
;D

[T Dog]

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

[T Dog]

Life without women would be a pain in the ass.  :o

[T Dog]

What's brown and sounds like a bell?    Dung.

What's long, brown, and sticky?    A stick.

What is brown and rhymes with snoop?    Dr. Dre...

What's brown and runny?    Usain Bolt

;D

[T Dog]

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.
8)

[Nige]

Brad:...Hey Nige can you describe yourself in three words? ...
Big Nigey:... Lazy
;D

Accurate! o:

[T Dog]

The other day, my girl friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his bum, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.  8)

[T Dog]

A few one liners from Robin Williams...

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's bum, that's a mechanic. Remember that.

[T Dog]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
::)

[T Dog]

A  Friday tongue twister to work on.. ;D

I thought a thought. But the thought I thought was not the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I would not have thought so much.

[T Dog]

There were two guys riding motorcycles on a windy afternoon. One of the guys was complaining because the cold air was blowing into his shirt. His buddy told him to turn his jacket around, so that the collar of the jacket would be at his neck. That way no air could get into his shirt. So that is what he did.
After riding for a while the two men came up on a curve. They were going too fast and they crashed. Witnesses called 911 and rushed to the motorcyclists aid.

When the police arrived, they were doing a report. The police asked a witness if both of the men were deceased when they got to the scene.

"No" the man replied, "The one man was still alive, but by the time we got his head turned around to where it was supposed to be, he was dead!
8)