Jokes

[T Dog]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
8)

[T Dog]

Degrees Of Blondeness


1st DEGREE:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

2nd DEGREE:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

3rd DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."

4th DEGREE:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

5th DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!

[T Dog]

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine? What's that?", she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!"

[T Dog]

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.
:-\

[T Dog]

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
;D

[T Dog]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
>:(

[T Dog]

Say what you want about deaf people.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

"This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."

Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality

Standard deviation no longer enough for perverted statistician.

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy.

I hate Russian dolls...so full of themselves

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste

When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

My girlfriend told me to stop making linkin park references. But in the end, it didn't even matter.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
8)

[T Dog]

As soon as she had finished secondaryschool, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

;D

[SydneyRox]

[RiOtChEsS]

Jeselnik:

What is the number one cause of peadophilia?

Sexy kids

[SydneyRox]

so wrong dude

[T Dog]

Q: What is the difference between a secretary & private secretary?

Answer:
Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
8)

[Ringo]

Visited the doctor the other day to ask about my knee complaint.

After examination Doc says nothing I can do it about its just old age.

I said your'e wrong Doc that can't be true?

Doc said what you makes you say thay I have had the medical training and you haven't

I said well the other knee is the same age and there is nothing wrong with it so can't be old age.

[T Dog]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:...Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.... 
8)

[tor01doc]

A poor old Collingwood supporter gets lost in the desert. He luckily finds and catches a stray and somewhat tame camel.

After a few weeks of staggering through the desert (finding just enough Jack Daniels to keep him hydrated) he starts getting a bit horny.

His camel, who has long eyelashes and a slightly asymmetrical yet oddly alluring smile, suddenly gets him thinking.

Initially he resists, but being slightly lacking in frontal lobe function, he decides he will anyway.

He builds a little mound behind his camel, steps up, drops his pants and just when he is about to - the camel, sensing a 'cakewalk', blushes and trots forward a few paces.

Joffa (not his real name), sighs, pulls up his male equivalent of leggings and catches up to his camel and builds another mound.

Again he climbs up, drops his strides and just when he's about to - the camel trots forward a few paces.

This goes on for quite some time. The mounds are visible from outer space and spell out the word E   D    D   

I    E.

Anyway, finally after quite a while, a beautiful Arab virgin, wearing veils and gear like Barbara Eden used to in 'I Dream of Genie' (and those of us old enough to remember know exactly what I am getting at here), walks towards our horny bogan from the Carringbush.

She tilts her head seductively to one side and asks whether she can do anything for him.

He is wrapped. Here, whilst he is horny as a rhinocerus, a beautiful maiden appears out of nowhere offering him anything.

It certainly doesn't take long for our hero to ask her the obvious question.

'Will you hold this camel still for me?'