Jokes

[TheMailman]

Six Golden Rules For F***ing

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health but harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After f***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try to do f***ing in bed because it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.

So remember - Fasting is good for your health - and may God cleanse your
Dirty Mind!

Well if fasting is good why did you have to bleep the "ast"? :S

[Grazz]

Damn. yeh ok i got a dirty mind.  :-[
Im with you Mm i was set up. ::)

[Tominator]

So, it's 200 years in the future, and doctors have created a device that transfers the pain thresholds away from women giving child birth, to men who are not. The product is only in the testing stages.

One day a doctor invites a couple - man and pregnant woman - into his testing room


Doctor: "OK guys so we're just gonna start off nice and slow, with the pain at 10% for the man, and 90% for the woman... How do you feel?"

Father: "Yeah I don't feel anything"

Mother: "Not great but a bit better"

Doctor: "Alright now we'll take it up to 20% for the man and 80% for the woman... How do you feel?"

Father: "Still nothing"

Mother: "Starting to get better"

Doctor: "We've now taken the device up to 50% for the man and 50% for the woman.... How do you feel?"

Father: "Yeah that feels fine"

Mother: "Much more relaxing"

The doctor continues with this and increase the pain for the father while decreasing the pain for the mother. The father does not feel a thing, and the mother gets better and better as the time goes on.

Doctor: "OK, so you've passed all the tests... We now feel safe to take it up to 100% for the man, and 0% for the woman..... How do you feel?"

Father: "Nothing at all. No pain whatsoever"

Mother: "It's like there is no baby in my belly at all."

Doctor: "Oh wow this is fantastic. Men do not feel pain of a woman's pregnancy!! We can make millions of dollars out of these and send the devices all over the world!!"


The mother and father get in the car and drive home, knowing they have contributed to history in the making. But when they get home...


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They find the milkman dead on the doorstep.

[nas]

Grazz buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport.

Grazz drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won't move at all.

Grazz tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.

Grazz then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to him, the technician asks " Sir, are you sure you are using the right gears?"


Full of anger Grazz replies: "You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! I use D for the Day and N for the Night..."

[Grazz]

Grazz buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport.

Grazz drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won't move at all.

Grazz tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.

Grazz then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to him, the technician asks " Sir, are you sure you are using the right gears?"


Full of anger Grazz replies: "You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! I use D for the Day and N for the Night..."

lol shhh had to call them out again this week cause "R" for race wasnt working. ???

[nas]

Grazz & Dudge  are sitting at a bar

Dudge  says to the Grazz "Did you know that Lions have s*x 8 to 10 times a night?"

Grazzresponds "That figures.  I just joined Rotary!"

[Grazz]

yeh Rotary sucks and not in a good way. Pick on someone else ya barbie. :'(

[nas]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

[nas]

Last one for a while,

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives.

Best call was from the chap who called his wife Harvey Norman ...

"No interest for 18 months"

[Tominator]

hahahahaha brilliant stuff naste

[Tominator]

Worst website names ever.
Who represents becomes www.whorepresents.com/
Experts Exchange becomes www.expertsexchange.com/
Pen Island becomes www.penisland.net/ (my favourite :P)
therapist finder becomes www.therapistfinder.com/

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA  ;D ;D ;D

[Zombie2.5]

A man walks into a bar(no, he didn't duck :P) and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and but can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing.


The man thought that it was strange so he went over to the bartender and asked where the man came from.
"Here," said the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, "rub this."

So the man rubbed the lamp and out came a genie.

"What do you wish for?" asks the genie.

"A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself.

"Ok." And the genie clapped his hands and disappeared into thin air.

The man looked around, checked his wallet but couldn't find a million bucks anywhere. That moment, a million ducks flew through the bar.  The man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!"

"Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replied the bartender.

[Zombie2.5]

There were three guys, naste, Grazz & Dudge.

All 3 wanted to become secret agents. So they had to go through tests to see if they were right for the job, they did everything that came at them and passed, until they all reached their final tests.

They were given a gun, and were told they had to step inside a room and kill the sitting on the chair.
Dudge was up first. His mother was sitting on the chair when he walked in, and he just couldn't shoot her. He failed
naste was next. His father was on the chair and he too couldn't bare to shoot.

Then it came down to Grazz with his best friend on the chair.

Outside the room, the people watching the tests, heard gunshots, more gunshots and then lots of banging, crashing and screaming. Out came Grazz and he said "The gun was loaded with blanks, I had to bash the person to death". :P

[nas]

Tsk Tsk Zombie

Q: Where do you go to buy zombies?
A: The monSTORE!
Q: What did the man say to his forgetful zombie wife?
A: You forgot your HEAD because it wasn't attached!
Q: Who did the zombie take out for dinner?
A: His GHOULfriend!
Q: Why did the zombie ignore all his new Facebook friends?
A: He was still DIGESTING all his old Facebook friends!
Q: What is a zombie's favorite toy?
A: A DEADY bear!

[T Dog]

For you IT gurus out there... :o

Installing Software…

Always review the owner's manual first…

Dear Tech Support:
Years ago I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Happy Hour 64, Golf 2.3, Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. Girlfriend 7.0 ran smoothly with all of these applications. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once Installed!

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 36.24. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
Ps. Some users have been successful with Wife 1.2 or even Wife 1.3, however, I do not recommend unless you read the owner's manual first.