Jokes

[T Dog]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awfulthat he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong."I feel terrible," ! he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.The rabbit jumps up waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again,he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished.He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label

It says..

"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."  ;D

[T Dog]

Things you'll never hear ... ;D

8 things you'll never hear a man say:

8.) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Friday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.

8 things you'll never hear a woman say :

8.) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.

and my favorite...
1) Hey, pull my finger!  ;D ;D ;D

[T Dog]

Brad walks into Ringos hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
Ringo recommends the top of the line model. Brad is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!
Ringo takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Brad says, "What's that noise?"... ::)

[T Dog]

01.If all the nations in the world are in debt(i am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird).

02.When dog food is new with improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought).

03.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd).

04.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking).

05.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows).

06.Can you cry under water? (let me try).

07.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else).

08.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows.)

09.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell).

10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes).

11.What does OK actually mean?.

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch).

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed).

14.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments).

15.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help).

16.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes you can).

17.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it).

18.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically).

19.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (I didn't had a chance to try).

20.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice).

21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice?).

22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law).

[T Dog]

Awful jokes for you to use today


Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
:)

[T Dog]

I was telling a friend about an ancient tale to bring wealth, health and happiness to your family and I told him I had been doing it.
I told him I got a blood orange and a red apple, I had to soak them overnight in a pot with some hair or a nail from the members of my family.
In the morning, and this bit is critical, you have to put the apple and the orange into specific places. So I put the apple in a shoe but it had be a right shoe.
He said "wow that's an interesting story, what's the origin?"
I said, 'it's in a sock next to the apple'

:o ;D ::)

[PowerBug]

21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice?).

Ha, I can actually answer this one, because it came up in an Issues Investigation I did last term. :P In Australia no your don't, the government does, however in the US you do, which is why there are people that are getting richer by allowing companies to drill for shale gas underneath their property. :)

[CrowsFan]

22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law).

Ha, I can actually answer this one, because it came up in an Issues Investigation I did last term. :P In Australia no your don't, the government does, however in the US you do, which is why there are people that are getting richer by allowing companies to drill for shale gas underneath their property. :)

Think you quoted the wrong one :P

[PowerBug]

22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law).

Ha, I can actually answer this one, because it came up in an Issues Investigation I did last term. :P In Australia no your don't, the government does, however in the US you do, which is why there are people that are getting richer by allowing companies to drill for shale gas underneath their property. :)

Think you quoted the wrong one :P

I think I did too :-[ Better go fix that up.

[T Dog]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to mechanicwhen the mileage reaches 5000 kms since the last oil change.. 2) Drink a cup of coffee 3) 45 minutes later, pay the man and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change: $75.00 Coffee: $4.00 Total: $79.00  8)

Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, pay  $80.00. 2) Stop by pub and buy a slab of beer, pay $40, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer. 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin swearing fit. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit footy trophy. 28) Beer. 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30) Beer. 31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil. 32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands.. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35) Beer. 36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38) Car gets impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts: $125.00 DUI: $2500.00 Impound fee: $375.00 Bail: $1500.00 Beer: $40.00 Total: $4,590.00 But you made sure it was done right. ;D

[SydneyRox]

OH, are we doing GIF's??  ;D

[Purple 77]

Maybe  :P I just found mine earlier today and I couldn't stop laughing at it lol

[T Dog]

Bloke one : I`m getting fed up of my dog, it`ll chase anyone on a bike.
Bloke Two : What are you gonna do? Give it away? have it put down?
Bloke one : Nah - I`ll just get rid of his bike!

8)

[T Dog]

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked,
"Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! down came the blade to cut the doctor's neck--and it suddenly stopped on its own, barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time, the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! down came the blade--and again it stopped an inch above the chemist's neck.Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?"
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:
"WAIT! I see what the problem is!".
::)

[T Dog]

This guy had a very attractive wife who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"
The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."
The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!"
His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The guy replied: "I didn't want to wet your bingo card"  8)