Jokes

[T Dog]

John was feeling guilty, so he went to church for a confession.
John: Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I stole some wood from a construction site.
The priest: Well what did you do with the lumber my son?
John: Well my sons wheelchair ramp was broken so I fixed it.
The priest: At least you did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My dog was cold so I built him a house.
The priest: I guess you still did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My car was cold, so I built it a two-car garage to keep it warm.
The priest: That is a little out of hand...
John: But father, I still had a little wood left. My wife had always wanted a bigger house, so I built a second floor for our house.
The priest: Whoa! That's way too much! You are going to have to make a Novena for penance. Do you know how to make a Novena?
John: No, but if you have the plans I have plenty of wood. ::)

[T Dog]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward four men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!  ;D

[Spite]

Haha great one T Dog! thanks!

[T Dog]

The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn't control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy.

After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.
 
Isn't that something, says the leader after only a moments pause, all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!
8)

[T Dog]

Why is abbreviation such a long word? 

Why do doctors leave the room when you get undressed? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why does a pizza get to the house faster than an ambulance?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's the extra penny?

Why is the original text in a document called "copy"?

Why do chemist shops make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescription, but smokers can get their cigarettes up front? 

Why is the small size of a candy bar the "fun size"? It's more fun to eat a big candy bar.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why are there handicap parking places in front of the skating rink?

Why doesn't whoop-ass doesn't come in bottles? 

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
8)

[T Dog]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

[Ringo]

I was visiting a friend of mine  in hospital who was dying of cancer.

When I walked into the room standing at the foot of the bed were 4 gorgeous women holding the numbers 1 - 4 in order.

I leaned over to my friend and asked why are these ladies holding numbers.

Easily explained my friend replied.  I was told to make sure I got my affairs in order before I passed on.

[T Dog]

The politician was sitting in campaign headquarters when he got the call that he won the election.
He immediately picked up the phone and called his mother.... Mum  he shouted, I won the election.
Honestly? She replied.
His smile faded... Aw hell, why bring that up at a time like this!

[T Dog]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.
She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!!
It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

8) :o :'( :-[

[T Dog]

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice...

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper."  8)

[T Dog]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"

At this the Texan drawled: "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."
::)

[T Dog]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."  8)

[nrich102]

Did you here about the kidnapping at school?

It's alright, he woke up.

[T Dog]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little boy.
::)

[T Dog]

 A man is leaning on a farm gate, watching the farmer round up some sheep when he realizes that the farmer isn't using a sheepdog, but rather a pig. What's more, the pig, which is expertly maneuvering the sheep into a pen, only has three legs. "Excuse me," says the man to the farmer, "but why has that pig only got three legs?" "Let me tell you a bit about that pig", says the farmer. "That pig not only herds my sheep, he also crows in the morning, milks the cows morning and night and collects the eggs from the hens." "And that's not all!", he continued, "that pig can count! He counts so well that he does all the farm accounts and fills in my tax forms." "What an amazing pig!" Says the man. "I ain't finished!", says the farmer. "Two years ago, my farmhouse caught fire and the pig called the fire brigade and then fetched water from the river to douse the flames in the hall. He then fought his way through the smoke to where my wife and children lay unconscious and dragged them from the burning house." "Wow!", says the man,"that really is an incredible pig. But I still don't understand why he only has three legs." "Ah, well", says the farmer, "when you have a pig that is that special, you don't eat him all at once..."  ;D