Jokes

[T Dog]

Interesting cricketing fact.... :o

An interesting but little known fact:

The first testicular guard (box) was used in cricket in1874.

The first cricket safety helmet was used in 1974.

Which means it took 100 years for men to realise that their brains may also be important!
8)

[jobe#4]

haha

[T Dog]

My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with...she read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...
I thought 'I've got the better deal here'...1 Your sister
I will be able to walk again soon.. ::)

[T Dog]

Three Irishmen; Paddy, Sean and Seamus left the pub late one night and found themselves on the road a road which led them past the local graveyard.

"Come over and have a look and this" says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul! He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O'Gradys!".

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole and it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!".

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asked Paddy and Sean.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles...".

"Miles who?" asked Paddy and Sean

"To Dublin"

[T Dog]

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

[Nige]

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

[T Dog]

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.  ::)

[T Dog]

A snail goes into a Rolls Royce dealer and says to the salesman; "I want the most expensive Rolls you have" "Certainly" replies the salesman, "this car here is the top of the range model." "It's perfect" says the snail, "but I want it customised." " We offer a full range of upgrades, anything at all, what would you like?" asks the salesman. "I simply want an 'S' painted on this side, one on the other side, and another on the roof." "But sir, whatever for? It'll totally ruin the car." "Well" replies the snail, "when I drive down the street, I want people to say 'look at that s-car go'."

;D..think about it... 8)

[tor01doc]

Merde!  ::)

[T Dog]

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

8)

[Daniel123]

Person 1- why did Lucy fall of the swing
Person 2- I dont know why
Person 1- because she has no arms

Person1- knock knock
Person 2- whos there
Person 1- Not Lucy....

[T Dog]

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

[T Dog]

a few quickies..

Two nuns are driving down the road when Dracula jumps out.
"Quickly," says the first, "show him your cross".
The other winds down the window, leans out and yells "Get out of the road you goofy barbie!"

Velcro. What a ripoff

The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives.

;D

[SydneyRox]

I walked into the bedroom to find my wife standing nude looking into the mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said "I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment"
I replied " Your eyesight is damn near perfect"
thats when the fight started...

[T Dog]

A few creepy pick up lines that are worth storing away for that special moment... :o

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.
You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 20.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
That outfit would look great crumpled in a heap on unsolved mysteries
"I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U..."
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES
"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
Do you like heavy metal? Because I can teach you how to scream.
Hi, (look her up and down) you'll do
Guy walks up and checks your tag- "just what I thought...made in heaven.
" Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
I'm a necrophiliac, so why don't you drop dead and I'll think about it!
Got two nipples for a dime?
Come on, Im a friend of your dad.

8)