Jokes

[T Dog]

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn't seen for quite a while, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.

All during dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old stared at me sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.

I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response

The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

[T Dog]

A few shockers...cringe cringe... ::)


If you throw a pencil up in the air is it still stationery?

Why did the coach give all his players a lighter? Because they lost all their matches.

Where do Dutch rodents live? Hamsterdam.

I start my new job tomorrow as a trainee bell ringer. I'm hoping someone will be there in the morning to show me the ropes.

What did the limestone say to the basalt? Don't take me for granite.

A pony walks into the bar and coughs noisily. The bartender says "that doesn't sound healthy, do you have a cold?" The pony replies "I'm fine, I'm just a little horse".

I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win... no pun in ten did.

Why should one always be nice to a psychic? Because everyone likes a happy medium.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left to travel the world? Bison.
8)

[McRooster]

There have been unconfirmed reports that Mick Jagger has already rebounded into the arms of Johnny Depps former model girlfriend...but surely a Rolling Stone dates no Moss  :P

[T Dog]

I am always disappointed when liars pants dont catch on fire.... >:(

[CrowsFan]

An 89 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she appeared before the judge he asked her what she had stolen. She told him she had stolen a can of peaches. The judge then asked why she had stolen the peaches and she replied that she was hungry. Finally the judge asked her how many peaches we in the can, and she said 6. The judge thought for a moment and decided that since there were 6 peaches she would serve 6 days in jail.

But before the judge could bang the gavel and make it official the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge pondered and then said go ahead.

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

;D

[T Dog]

I like to play chess with bald men in the park......................although it is hard to find 32 of them.

[RaisyDaisy]

LOL some pretty light hearted funny gags in here  :D

3 construction workers are working on a high rise complex, an Italian, Australian and Irishman.

They go to lunch, and the Italian says "flowering hell, if I get pastrami in my sandwich one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself". The Australian says "flowering hell, if I get cheese and vegemite one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself" and then the Irishman says "flowering hell, if I get tuna one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself"

The next day the 3 guys go to lunch and the Italian opens up his lunch, see's pastrami and jumps off the building. The Aussie see's cheese and vegemite and jumps and the Irishman see tuna and also jumps

A few days later the wives are together at their funerals and the Italians wife says "If only I had known he was sick of pastrami, I would have made him something else". The Australians wife says the same thing about his cheese and vegemite sandwiches. The Irishman's wife then says "If only I had known, my husband made his own lunch every day"

Not my best work, but for some reason it's a joke I heard when I was young and still remember it lol

[McRooster]

What's the difference between Caroline Wilson's nose and Andrew Demetriou's arsehole?


About 1cm most days.

[T Dog]

Did you hear about the blind skunk? Fell in love with a fart.,, ;D

[T Dog]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B759dzymyoc
8)

[Nige]

[GoLions]

My internet.

[T Dog]

Harry Potter comment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyugoCASVy8

8)

[T Dog]

Quickest comeback of the year

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could be as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policemans credibility.

Q: Officer did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes. With my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in the room?
A: Yes, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes.

Q: Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?
A: You see, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's Best Comeback line, and I think he'll win.
8)

[timmyparso]

This Joke speaks for itself!!

http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/sport/afl/leaked-footage-reveals-adelaide-crows-chants-rehearsal-session/story-fnia3xzy-1226865366279

"Pride of South Australia" .........hahahahahahahaha