Jokes

[T Dog]

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."  8)

[tor01doc]

 
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday".

[kilbluff1985]

S O M E T I M ES

Sometimes....when you cry....
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes....when you are in pain....
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes....when you are worried....
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes....when you are happy....
no one sees your smile.

v

v

v

v

v

But FART !!just ONE friggin' time.....
And everybody knows!!

[tor01doc]

That one reminds me of the one about Tony - the man who was mayor. Tony - the man who ran fundraisers. Tony - the father of the year. Tony - the man who saved the local orphanage.

He complained that nobody calls him Tony the mayor or Tony the champion fundraiser or Tony the one who saved the orphanage.

No. But I shag just one little goat....

[T Dog]

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"  :'(

[T Dog]

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?   
A Baboom !

Which day of the week do fish hate?.......
Fry-Day   

;D ;D ;D

[The_Captain]

STkilda are a good side.

[Bill Manspeaker]

noto makes good jokes

[The_Captain]

noto makes good jokes

lol.

[T Dog]

1) Jones had taken his wife to a cricket match. She sat through the first innings although plainly bored. In the second innings a batsman gave a tremendous swipe and knocked the ball out of the ground. 'Thank goodness they got rid of it,' she sighed. 'Now we can all go home.

2) Well, your Lordship
A lord was entertaining some guests at his country estate and they were playing cricket. The lord was batting and his chief footman was the umpire. A guest bowled and plainly caught the lord l.b.w.
They appealed to the footman, who said, 'Lord Melford ; is not at home.'
'What?' said the lord.
'Well, your lordship,' said the footman, 'to speak plainly you're out!'

3) A close shave
The local barber was umpiring in the village match and when one of the batsmen was apparently run out he said: 'Not out.'
The batsman looked at him thankfully. 'That was a close shave,' he said.
'Aye,' said the umpire, 'and if you 'adn't been a regular customer it would 'ave been 'Next gentleman please'!'

4) In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic.
"What are you doing?" asked the spectator.
"Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."   
 
5) The stonewaller had been at the crease for two hours and had scored one run. It finally got too much for the umpire. He raised his finger and said: 'Out'.
'What for?' said the batsman.
'Loitering with intent,' answered the umpire.
 
6) Can you walk?
The batsman received a fast ball which struck his pad. Though it was obviously l.b.w. he tried to feign injury by dancing around in agony. He fell to the ground clutching his foot and the umpire came up and looked down at him.
'Can you walk?' he asked, solicitously.
'Yes.'
'Then walk back to the pavilion, mate. You're out!'

7) Mrs Jones : I'd like my son to be excused playing cricket. I don't think he should mix with that sort of person.
Teacher: How d'you mean?
Mrs Jones: Well; I distinctly heard him say that the man in the white coat was a vampire!

8) Wife: 'Who's Bill Robinson?'
George: 'He saved us from losing last week.'
Wife: 'Really? Is he a batsman or a bowler?'
George: 'Neither. He's the umpire.'

9) Prison cricket match
It was the convicts' cricket match. The fast bowler whizzed down a screamer which just missed, but a bail gently toppled off.
'Not out,' protested the batsman, 'it was the wind.'
'Wind or not,' said the umpire, 'you're out on bail!' 
 
10) How was I out?
The ball had hit the batsman on the arm and yet he was still given out. As he passed the umpire, he asked, 'How was I out?'
'Why don't you look in the paper tomorrow?' replied the umpire, smugly.
'Why don't you look?' said the batsman. 'I'm the editor!'

11) No umpire ?
The village teams were ready to begin their match but discovered that they were without an umpire. They decided that they would use a member of the crowd even though he knew nothing of the rules. When he was dressed in his white coat and hat, he went up to the captain of the home side.
"What do I do?" he asked
."It's very simple," said the home captain. "When I shout "HOWZAT!" you simply put up your finger and say "OUT".
When it's our turn to bat, I'll tell thee a little bit more!"

12) When were we married ?
George was always thinking of cricket. Eventually, his exasperated wife said, "You think nothing but cricket. I bet you don't even remember the day we were married."
"Of course I do," said George. "It was the day Sir Colin Cowdrey got a 100 not out against Surrey."

[T Dog]

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest. 8)

[T Dog]

Top 10 dumbest criminals


RUNNER-UP #9

Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.

RUNNER-UP #8

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

RUNNER-UP #7

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

RUNNER-UP #6

San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

RUNNER-UP #5

From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

RUNNER-UP #4

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

RUNNER-UP #3

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

RUNNER-UP #2

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

RUNNER-UP #1

Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him

THE WINNER!

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
8) 8)

[The_Captain]

Top 10 dumbest criminals


RUNNER-UP #9

Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.

RUNNER-UP #8

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

RUNNER-UP #7

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

RUNNER-UP #6

San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

RUNNER-UP #5

From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

RUNNER-UP #4

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

RUNNER-UP #3

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

RUNNER-UP #2

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

RUNNER-UP #1

Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him

THE WINNER!

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
8) 8)

Bahahaha the winner was an absolite cracker T dog!! Great story!! Gotta love Karma!!

[T Dog]

These are my best pickup lines...they all work sensationally...use them...you will be surprised ... 8)

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 20.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

That outfit would look great crumpled in a heap on unsolved mysteries

"I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U..."

I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.

Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

Do you like heavy metal? Because I can teach you how to scream.

Hi, (look her up and down) you'll do

Guy walks up and checks your tag- "just what I thought...made in heaven."

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?

Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been runnin through my mind all day.

I'm a necrophiliac, so why don't you drop dead and I'll think about it!

Got two nipples for a dime?

Come on, Im a friend of your dad.

Help, somethings wrong with my eyes - I just can't take them off you.

"I'm working on a porn site. Wanna be in the first video?"

I'm throwing a house party....and the only person invited is you

Call the cops...See Who Comes first.

I wanna eat your shower on bread!

Hey baby, you must be a light switch, coz every time I see you, you turn me on!

I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!

I got u something special baby, it's the condom I used when I lost my virginity

Hi, I'm the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

I think I feel like Richard Gere - I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I dont want to come between you... or do I

Do you wipe front to back or back to front?

Just say yes now and I wont have to spike your drink

It's hard for me to concentrate around you because all the blood from my brain has immediately gone to my boner

If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.

Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?

I like my coffee like I like my women...sealed in an air tight bag in the freezer

"There's a tornado, come into my basement"

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

(Smell a girl) "I smell that you are in season... want to breed?"

My couch pulls out, but I don't

I just want to be friends....with your insides

Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.

Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R

You have the cutest smile when you sleep

GET IN THE VAN!

I'm sick. My medicine is to talk to you.

If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.

Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

If I'd follow you home, would you keep me?

hey lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.

Excuse me, i managed to notice that every time i pass you, a monster grows inside me called "dog get in my car" i just hope it doesn't escape and make me call after it ...

I only thought about you once today--I just never stopped.

What's the difference between a boner and a Lamborghini? I don't have a Lamborghini right now

I'm kind of new to this environment... can you show me the way to your apartment/house?

I'm the kind of man who deserves to have women I don't deserve.

I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

(Walk by a girl, stop and go back to her)"What kind of perfume are u wearing?" (she will say a perfume)"thats lovely, thats what a woman SHOULD smell like"

Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?

Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?

Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like you!

You're so good lookin' I'd drink your bath water.

You're eyes are bluer than the atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.

You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!

You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

OOOOOh baby u must have wished upon a star cause today is your lucky day!

;) :) ;D :D 8)

[T Dog]

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2013 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
8)