Jokes

[timmyparso]

Adelaide  :P

Rob Chapman and Steven Trigg  :P

[T Dog]

A magician is winding down to the end of a performance, and in preparation for his final trick, he asks for a volunteer from the audience. A man comes up, and the magician says, "Okay, now I'm going to lay my head down on this block, and when I say 'abra-cadabra', I want you to smack the side of my head with this sledgehammer." The magician kneels carefully, positions his head on the block, and says, "Abra-cadabra!" And the guy from the audience winds up and smacks him on the side of the head with the hammer. The magician crumples to the stage, unconscious, and goes into a deep coma.

Ten years later, he wakes up in the hospital, looks at the nurse, and says, "TA - DAA!!!"  8)

[jobe#4]

a bloke meets a stunningly attractive Italian girl at a club in Sydney, he starts casually chatting to her until she says
"look, honestly I'm just out at this club hoping to sleep with someone to make enough money to get back to Italy."
the man replies " well it just so happens that I'm a sailor and tomorrow our ship is heading there! I will let you come along however I will have to stow you away below deck! and I will bring you food and water each night. in return each night I will come below deck and in you shal repay me with sex!'
she reluctantly agrees and for 6 months he brings her food and they have sex.
until one early morning a weathered looking gent walks below deck with his hat in his hands and says "Listen miss I know that you've been down here for 6 months and I feel it only fair to tell you this is the Manly ferrie"

[T Dog]

An elderly man moved into a nursing home. After he'd been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. "How do you like this place?" she asked him. "It's not bad," he replied, "except they won't let me fart."
::)

[T Dog]

On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before Norm could say no more than a few words, the druggist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. and then three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."
The druggist continued, "Then breaking a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the damn phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles all of them fell to the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the damn phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife, Cheri' wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Norm, all I did was really tell her!"  8)

[T Dog]

A few lame ones to start with... ::)

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, they both get plastered and the giraffe collapses on the floor. The man walks out. Bar tender turns round and says "Oi you cant leave that lyin there!"
Man replies "Its not a lion its a giraffe!"

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Two teenagers have been arrested. One was drinking batterey acid the other was eating fireworks.
Police charged one and let the other off.

Did you hear about the human cannibal who passed his mate in the woods?

A man walks into the doctors naked and wrapped in gladwrap...the doctor says " I can clearly see your nuts"

[T Dog]

Tim Watson..when he was a lot younger... ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKZHbGszZDQ

[elephants]

Got emailed these ones, good chuckle hehe :P

Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

[kilbluff1985]

A man buys a robot that is programmed to give anyone who tells a lie a slap on the face.
He decides to try it out during dinner.
- My son, where have you been today?
The son replies:
- In school.
SLAP, the robot gives him a slap.
- Ok! I watched a movie at my friends house!
- What movie?
- E.T.
SLAP, the robot gives him another slap
- Ok, ok, it was pr0n!
- What? When I was your age I had no idea on what pr0n even was. Dad says in an accusing tone.
SLAP, the robot gives dad a slap
Mom laughs:
- You can tell he's your son.
SLAP, mom gets a slap

[Vinny]

Got emailed these ones, good chuckle hehe :P

Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

Hahahaha some of those are gold!

[kilbluff1985]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!"

[T Dog]

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
:o

[T Dog]

One day, Miss Finch was giving the class a lesson on grammar. "I want someone to use the word brilliant, in the same sentence twice"

"My father bought my brilliant mother a brilliant dress", said Little Mary.

"My mother planned a brilliant banquet and turned out brilliantly", said Little Jack.

Then Little Johnny spoke up, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my dad that she was pregnant. He said, 'Brilliant, just flowering brilliant!" heell yah

;D

[nas]

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and appealed to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied,
"Your Honor,when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me, or to the machine?"

[nas]

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted  to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish  lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again  I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.
He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."