Jokes

[T Dog]

What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.
::)

[timmyparso]

Last week I ate a Christmas tree and ended up getting tinselitis  ???

[T Dog]

I bought a boomerang off a ghost the other day...that will come back to haunt me.  8)

[T Dog]

On the beach, how can you recognise a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll?
He doesnt stare at the bikinis, he stares at the beach balls.
8)

[Ringo]

Seeing its Christmas a Christmas joke

A Judge was in a jovial mood for Christmas and asked the alleged thief in the dock what was he her for.

The Accused replied "I was just completing my Christmas shopping sir."

"That is not an indictable offence" said the judge laughing "when did this occur."

"Before opening time " replied the accused.

[kilbluff1985]

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've
flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, ...'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg,....no mattah...all same!

[T Dog]

Why did a cow cross the road?
To find to the udder side.
8)

[T Dog]

A honeymoon couple go into a hotel and ask for a suite.
Bridal? asks the desk clerk.
No thanks  replies the bride, I will just hang onto his shoulders.

8)

[T Dog]

New Policy
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:


1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

;D ;D

[jobe#4]

Q. what do hedgehogs have for lunch?
A. prickled onions

[Master Q]

Here comes Q, King of the ol' cheesy joke.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus giggle?

Ten tickles  :P

[T Dog]

What goes choo choo choo while online?
Thomas the search engine.

[T Dog]

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle.
:o :o

[Fantasygun]

Good one, Sir Edmund Blackadder

[T Dog]

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $50 note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??

Santa of course, the other two don't exist!

8)