Jokes

[Vinny]

What do you call an asian woman with one leg?

Ireen :o

[T Dog]

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here." ;D

[tbagrocks]

Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth?
Wife: No, i won't! Tell me.
Me: I slept with your sister.

:o

[Vinny]

[tbagrocks]

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here." ;D

Nice!

Bacon and a sausage cooking in a fry pan

Sausage says "Getting hot in here"

Bacon says "What do you know, a talking sausage"

::)

[T Dog]

Did you hear about the man who ran naked through the crowded church?
They caught him by the organ!
.  :o

[nrich102]

Some racehorses were arguing about who was better. One said "Out of my last 25 races I've won 20 of them." Another horse said "Tahts Nothing, Out of my last 50 races, I've won 44 of them" Another Horse said "Out of My last 65 races Ive won 59 of them" An old sheepdog was lying nearby, and said "You guys cant race, Out of My last 99 races, Ive won 94 of them." Then all the horses said "Wow, a talking horse"  :o

[kilbluff1985]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I did NOT, it's 3 am and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"God loves drunk people, too, you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here ... on the swing," replied the drunk.

[T Dog]

One day a new chicken was introduced to the farm. The duck, who was the main bird in charge, shows the new chicken around. "This is were you go to get fed, this is the water trough and that is the coop. Chickens hang out near the fence, us ducks near the pond and the geese near the gate. We're pretty friendly but we keep to our own. Oh but whatever you do, DON'T cross that road. You'll never hear the end of it."  ::)

[timmyparso]

I suffer from schizophrenia and so do I

[T Dog]

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench looking at the house across the street. They see two people walk into it, and, some time later, see three people walk out.
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced while they were inside."
The physicist says, "No, our initial observation must have been in error."
Finally, the mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, then the house will be empty." 8)

[tbagrocks]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I did NOT, it's 3 am and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"God loves drunk people, too, you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here ... on the swing," replied the drunk.

That's from Billy Connelly :P

[T Dog]

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.  8)

[CrowsFan]

Groan...

[PowerBug]

Well he was actaully better than the sum of the squire of the other two sides. ;)