Jokes

[valkorum]

Two cows were standing in a paddock, one cow says "MOOO" then the other cow turns to him and says "hey, I was gonna say that"

Two cows were in a paddock, one cow says "It's really scary knowing that there's mad cows disease out there".  The other cow says "It doesnt bother me, I'm a firetruck"

[T Dog]

Some oldies but goodies....

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum  Blownapart.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
8)

[T Dog]

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
::)

[CrowsFan]

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
::)

The joke is better if you add that the thinks that is a stupid opinion and asks for another, so the vet brings in a dog who does the same thing as the cat, and they call it a lab test ;)

[T Dog]

Holes In My Pocket

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Joe, the poor guy (he was so poor he never wore underwear), was standing at the bar in his favorite watering hole (so poor he never had enough money to buy beer with, either most of the time) and after having a few decided he needed another. He searched in all his pockets for some more money, even turning his pants pockets inside out in desperation. Finally finding some more money in his shirt pocket, he ordered another pot of beer for himself. While he was downing his suds, another guy came from the back of the barroom and, seeing Joe's pocket linings hanging out, decided to cut them off. After awhile, when Joe's pot was empty, he started looking for more money to buy another beer. He first put his right hand in his pocket. The look on his face changed to one of puzzlement. He next put his left hand deep in his left pocket and his look changed from puzzlement to amazement.
"PRUNES??? PRUNES!!, he exclaimed, "where the hell did I get prunes?".  ::)

Now, if you want to tell this or change it so that it is a woman at the bar instead of a man, all you have to change is what she says: "BRILLO PAD??? BRILLO PAD!!"   8)

[T Dog]

The Top Signs That You're Being Stalked By A Leprechaun

Generic-looking green van parked across the street 
Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
Green lipstick marks on the butt of your undies.
You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!"
When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."
Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.
Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?"
Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level.
Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester.
Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
8)

[T Dog]

Watch What You Ask For

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Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:
"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.
Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?
:o

[nrich102]

What did one New Zealand Jew say to the other Newzealnd Jew?

Hebrew

[Jukes]

I have a few jokes about jews...not too appropriate for here though.

[nrich102]

The President of America, the King of England and the Duke of Ireland are captured in a German war camp in World War 2. They discover that around the camp, there's a hedge and a gate, but no fence. 2 guards stand at the gate. One night they decide they're going escape. The President of the US says, well I'm the precident of the United States, I should go first. He starts crawling through the hedge, then when he was half way through, he hit a bush. What was that? Said one of the guards. 'Meow' went the president. 'Its just a cat' said the other. The king of England went next. He was three quarters of the way through, when he rustled a bush. 'What was that?' snapped a guard. The King remembered what the President did, and he said Meow. The Duke of Ireland went next, and when he got in there, he hit a bush. 'What was that?' Snapped the guard again. 'Its just the cat again' said the Irishman.

:o ;D

[T Dog]

"When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me." 8)

[T Dog]

Fathers Day weekend....have to tolerate Dad Jokes

IN THE CAR

When driving past a cemetery, 'You know, that is the dead centre of town!'...

When driving past a cemetery, 'That place is pretty popular, people are dying to get in there!'...

When driving past a cemetery, 'They put the fence up to keep everyone in!'

When driving past some black and white cows, 'Boy it must be cold out there, those cows are Friesian!'...

'Where are we Dad?' .... 'In the car'...

When there is a slow driver in the way, 'Come on!! What are you waiting for? Christmas?'...

When driving past a woman, 'ahh, she was good from far, but she's far from good.'...

When driving past a woman. 'Marks out of ten? I'd give her one!'

When an emergency service vehicle goes past with siren blazing, 'You'll not sell many ice creams going that fast.'...

When driving past someone washing their car, 'you can do mine next, if you want!'...

When reading from one of those information signs out in the countryside -
"The rocks you see before you are 26 million years old..."

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..."
8)

[tor01doc]

Melbourne Football Club apparently about to confess to a systematic peptide and pig brain extract injecting regimen.

Hoping to be elevated to ninth!

[GoLions]

Melbourne Football Club apparently about to confess to a systematic peptide and pig brain extract injecting regimen.

Hoping to be elevated to ninth!

Hahahahahaha

[T Dog]

A blonde I once met at a bar was extreamly confusing because...
..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..she thought General Motors was in the army.
..she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
..she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
..she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."  8)