Jokes

[T Dog]

"The problem with being the designated driver , it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
-- Jeff Foxworthy
;D

[T Dog]

Revising 60s Hits

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Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin:
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Herman's Hermits:
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr:
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees:
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Roberta Flack:
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash:
I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon:
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores:
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye:
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem:
A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer:
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations:
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba:
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando:
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy:
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore:
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And last but not least:

Willie Nelson:
On the Commode Again

[T Dog]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

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BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road!

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interwesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, forw the firwst time, the heart warming storwy of how it experienced a serwious case of mowlting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dweam of cwossing the woad.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@*&^(C% .........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!  8)

[T Dog]

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes *Whack!* "Bugger!", but a bad skydiver goes "Bugger!" *WHACK!*
8)

[T Dog]

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!

[T Dog]

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some
extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little
extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would
be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and
noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so
excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and
said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised
her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her
way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much
and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take him and him and him."
:o

[T Dog]

Top 10 Blonde Inventions

Water-proof towel
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Ejector seat on a helicopter
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chair
Water-proof tea bag
8)

[Holz]

Top 10 Blonde Inventions

Water-proof towel
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Ejector seat on a helicopter
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chair
Water-proof tea bag

dont want to be that guy, but some of this are  is a very impressive inventions

the Kamov Ka-50 is a russian helicopter that before the rockets in the ejector seat fire, the rotor blades are blown away by explosive charges in the rotor disc and the canopy is jettisoned.

A solar powered flashlight is quite common, they gain power in the day and than store it for use in the night.

there is a beach towel that is sand and water resistant.

[T Dog]

Good pts Holz..tho it doesnt make them sensible just beacause they are available.. ;D

TGIF

This brunette walked into this shoe store for blondes and she noticed
that TGIF was on all the shoes, she walked up to the sales clerk and
said Gee, blondes must really like Fridays!
The clerk said why do you say that?
The brunette said because TGIF is on all the shoes!
The clerk said Nope that stands for TOES GO IN FIRST!
:o

[T Dog]

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile phone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her
all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "How do you like
your new phone?"

She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How'd you know I was at Woolworths?"  8)

[T Dog]

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."
The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.
"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"
"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.
St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
So the man explains, "I was umpiring this preliminary final between Carlton and Collingwood at the MCG. The score was even and there was only one more minute of play to play in the final quarter when I awarded a free against Nick Maxwell at the Collingwood cheer squad end."
"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"
"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."
8)

[CrowsFan]

Top 10 Blonde Inventions

Water-proof towel
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Ejector seat on a helicopter
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chair
Water-proof tea bag
8)

[T Dog]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D..just add water..lol.... ;D ;D ;D ;D

[T Dog]

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.  She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.  When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with." 8)

[Ringo]

Reminds me of this excuse for being late for school -

"As I was getting out the Bus the wind blew my hat back into the Bus so I had to catch another bus to chase my hat down." Very original