Jokes

[T Dog]

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The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words as possible.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.


I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.


I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.


The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.


I thought the window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.


The indirect cause of the crash was the little guy in a small car with a big mouth.


An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.


A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.


A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.


Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.


I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the enbankment.


In and attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.


I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.


As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.


I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to crash.


I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.


To avoid hitting the bumper in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.


My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.


The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.


I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.


I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.


The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end..


I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car. 8)

[T Dog]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast....!"
;D

[GoLions]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast....!"
;D

Hahahahahahahaha  ;D

[T Dog]

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company
with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.  ;D

[nas]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off.
And on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

See answer below:

Get your drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round

[T Dog]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife... who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
8)

[T Dog]

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"
;D

[T Dog]

Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop.

"I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns.
"A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly.
His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day.
On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.
She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds.
"And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret.
"When he sees me, he's gonna shower himself!"
:o

[Vinny]

HAHAHHAHAHA. Love your work TDog ! ;D

[Vinny]

A were going to go on holiday but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him there the next day.

When he reached the hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email.

However when typing the address, he mistyped a letter and his message was redirected instead to an elderly preachers wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her mail, she took one look at the screen and let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S Sure is hot down here.

;D

[Vinny]

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. This left his wife very mad and she told him.

'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!'

The next morning when his wife woke up and she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Excitedly she opened it. What she found was a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since.  ;D

[T Dog]

One lazy Sunday morning Mrs T Dog and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a-hole using my stuff."

Mrs T Dog looked at me intently and said: "T Dog , what makes you think I'd marry another a-hole?"
>:(

[T Dog]

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he missed again. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!" 8)

[T Dog]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shower, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day.
;D

[nas]

Irish Sugar Test:

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."