Jokes

[specky92]

A boy sat behind a girl in Religion class
The girl often fell asleep during class

The teacher asked "Who do we worship?"
*boy stabs girl with a pencil* and she screams "Almighty God!"

Girl falls asleep again and teacher asks "Who is the son of God?"
*boy stabs girl with a pencil again* and she screams "Jesus Christ!"

Girl falls asleep again and teacher asks "what did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd baby?"
*boy stabs girl with a pencil again* and she screams "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT!!!"

[T Dog]

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah..." said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."
8)

[specky92]

3 men are being trialled for murder

The first man walks in and says "Hi I'm Steven and it couldn't of been me because I was blowing bubbles"

The second man walks in and says "Hi I'm Todd and it couldn't of been me because I was blowing bubbles"

The third man walks in and the judge says " Let me guess, it couldn't have been you because you you were blowing bubbles?"

The third man says "No, I am bubbles"  ;D

[T Dog]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, Tony Blair said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
:o

[T Dog]

Definitions Of The Obvious
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ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
ABSENTEE: A missing golfing accessory.
ACOUSTIC: An instrument used in shooting pool.
ACCRUE: People who work on a ship.
ADAMANT: The very first Insect.
ADORABLE: What you ring when you go visiting.
ALARMS: What an octopus is.
ALIMONY: The High Cost Of Leaving.
ALIMONY: The Fee A Woman Charges For Name-Dropping.
ANTIDOTE: The reason Mom's Sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you.
ANTELOPE: Why Grandpa won't forgive Uncle!
ANTISOCIAL: Mother's sister being friendly.
ANTE MEREDIEM: Thata's why he's my Uncle.
ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's.
ARCHAEOLOGIST: A man whose career lies in ruins.
ARTERY: Study of paintings.
ASPIRE: Where dead donkeys are cremated.
ATLAS: Finally
AUSTRALIAN KISS: Same as French Kiss, ... only down under!
AVAIL: Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly.
AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.
BACTERIA: The rear entrance to a cafeteria.
BARIUM: What doctors do when treatment fails.
BIOLOGY: Study of shopping habits.
BIPLANE: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear.
BOYCOTT: His crib.... not hers!
BRIDGE: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband's bidding
BROADBAND: An all girl musical group.
BRUISE LEE: Inept martial-arts student.
BUDGET: An attempt to live below your yearnings.
BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
CAESAREAN SECTION: District in Rome.
CANTALOUPE: Got to get married in Church.
CARNATION: Country where everybody has a four wheeler.
CARAMEL: A motorized camel!
CAUTERIZE: Made eye contact with her.
CHOOSY BLONDE: One for whom a Tom or a Harry won't do !
CIRCUMVENT: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.
CISTERN: Opposite of brothern.
CLIMATE: The only thing you can do with a ladder.
COFFEE: A person who is coughed upon.
CIONSIDE: What most people do when it rains.
CONSCIENCE: The thing which hurts when everything else feels good.
CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
COUNTERFEITER: Worker who puts together kitchen cabinets.
CROSS-EYED TEACHER: A teacher that loses control over her pupils.
CROWBAR: Where birds can get a drink.
DAMNATION: Beaver country.
DANCE: Vertical expression of a horizontal idea.
DARE: Not here.
DEBUT: De part of the body you must park to be seated.
DECAGON: De way you explain how your vehicle was a total washout in an accident.
DECAY: De letter which comes after de J.
DECLINE: Nudists in formation.
DENTIST: A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.
DEPTH: Height turned upside down.
DILATE: To live long.
DISGUISE: Such pains. Always troubling dismisses.
DINOSAUR: How a giant lizard feels after a tough workout.
DISNEYLAND: A people trap operated by a mouse.
DOGMA: Affectionate parent of the little s.o.b.
DOGMATIC: Run by canine power.
DONKEY: Instrument to get you into the godfather's house
ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
ECONOMIST: A person who knows more about money than people who have it.
EJACULATE (e-jac-u-late): Jill greeting her boyfriend and informing him he's been tardy again.
ENEMA: Not a friend.
EYEDROPPER: A clumsy opthalmologist.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FIBULA: A small lie.
FICTION: The story told by a completed Income Tax Form !
FINITE: Sir Lancelot.
FLATULENCE: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
FOBIA: The fear of misspelled words.
FORUM: In favor of drinking Bacardi.
GARGOYLE: An olive flavored mouthwash.
GINGER ALE: A drink that feels like your foot when it goes to sleep.
GOLD-DIGGER: A sweet young girl with the gift of the grab!
HABITUATE: Disgusting Mannerisms.... Smoking for example.
HANGING: A suspended sentence.
HATCHET: What a hen does to an egg.
HEROES: What a guy in a canoe does.
HUMBUG: A singing cockroach.
ILLEGAL: A sick bird.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INFANTRY: A sapling.
INFORMATION: How ducks are supposed to fly!
INKLING: A baby fountain pen!
INTENSE: Where campers sleep.
JOKEY: What a dentist uses when you won't open your mouth.
KIDNEY: Midpoint of a child's leg.
LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
LOCOMOTIVE: A crazy reason.
LYMPH: To walk with a lisp.
MISTY: How golfers create divots.
MORBID: Higher offer
MUCUS: A cat swear word.
MUNCHKIN: What cannibals do to relatives.
NITRATE: Cheaper than day rate.
NODE: Was aware of.
OUTPATIENT: Person who has fainted after seeing a Doctor's bill.
OYSTER: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
PARADOX: Two physicians.
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
PARKING LOT: A place where arguments start from scratch.
PECAN: A container to urinate in.
PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
POLYGON: Who left the cage door open?
POST OPERATIVE: Letter carrier.
POTASH: All that's left after you smoke the joint.
PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
PROTEIN: Favoring young people.
PSYCHO-CERAMICS: The study of crackpots.
RAMPAGE: Section of a book about male sheep.
RATIFY: To use a spell and turn a person into a rodent.
REALM: To be charitable ... once again!
REBEL: What you have to do when kids don't come to class when first called.
RECOUNT: Honorary Title reaffirmed by Floridans.
RECOVERY ROOM: Place to do upholstery.
RECTANGLE: What the fisherman was left with after his brush with Moby Dick.
RECTITUDE: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
RECTUM: It almost killed him.
REDUCE: A messed up point in Tennis, when you were on 'Advantage'.
REGATTA: Where the drunkard found himself tonight ... again!
RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
RENDER: The Animals that draw Santa's carriage.
ROMAN: What you need to do to win the Regatta.
RUBBERNECK: What tou can do to relax your wife.
SAUNA BATH: A slimming pool.
SEAMSTRESS: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
SUBDUED: A guy that works on submarines.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Sickness at an airport.
TESTICLE: A humorous question on an exam.
TREASON: What the acorn is to the oak.
TUMOR: An extra pair.
URINE: Opposite of "you're out"!
VARICOSE: Located nearby.
WHOLESOME: The only thing from which you can take the whole and still have some left.
WISE-CRACK: A comedian with a PHD.
YANKEE: The same as a quickie, ...but you can do it by yourself!
ZEBRA: Ze cloth which covers ze breasts!
;D

[T Dog]

 A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken." 8)

[T Dog]

The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development

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A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
8)

[My Chumps]

The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
8)

Absolutely classic!

[T Dog]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''
;D

[specky92]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''
;D

Hahahah, could see that coming from a mile away! Still gold

[nas]

Six (6) Basic Rules For Good Health !!!

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is
even better.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!

SO ... REMEMBER ...

6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ...

And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!

[nas]

Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is"
Paddy asks "How do you know?"
Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"

[nas]

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full!

[T Dog]

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. Everyone in the crowd laughs at him, calls him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus cannot play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just ripping it up. So the man pays him $50.
Another guy walks up with a violin. The octopus plays the violin better than Andre Rieu. So the man pays him $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. So the man pays him $50.
The barman had been observing what had been happening. He came out and puts a set of bagpipes beside the octopus, who fumbles with them for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"What are you messing around for?" the octopus' owner yells "Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "What do you mean PLAY IT? I'm still working out how to get its pajamas off."  ;D

[T Dog]

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;D