Jokes

[T Dog]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."  :o

[T Dog]

There are rumours about a guy up in far north Queensland who regularly swims a crocodile infested river every day to earn a living from tourists.

He wears a T-shirt with a Collingwood logo and the words "Magpies for Premiers in 2013" on it.

When asked how he avoids being taken by a croc he replies "Not even a croc would swallow that!!"
>:(

[T Dog]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two bumholes."
"What, he had two bumholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two bumholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two bumholes...."  8)

[T Dog]

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.
It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".
He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.
He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".
She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me ?"
;D

[T Dog]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost...  :o

[nas]

Gillard was asleep in her house and awoke to see Menzies' ghost. She asked, "Bob, how can I make this country better?" Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did."

Gillard went back to sleep, this time she woke to an image of John Howard at the end of her bed. She asked, "John, how can I make this country better?" Howard said, "Be honest with the people like I was."

Again Gillard fell asleep and awoke this time to see Harold Holt and asked, "Harold, how can I make this country better?" Harold replied, "Go for a swim like I did!!"

[nas]

My wife only has s*x with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a s*xy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no s*x life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure s*x offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not s*xy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during s*x. She called me from Adelaide last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

[nas]

Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but don't let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.
Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn't know if he's coming or going.
Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.
Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want 
Confucius Say: A joke is like s*x. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

[T Dog]

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."   8)

[T Dog]

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!
::)

[T Dog]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
Yes, Father it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?
Four months vacation and five good leads...  8)

[T Dog]

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
;D

[Tominator]

not sure if jokes thread or T-Dog thread   ::)

[specky92]

not sure if jokes thread or T-Dog thread   ::)

Not sure if Joke or insult  ::)

[T Dog]

not sure if jokes thread or T-Dog thread   ::)

Not sure if Joke or insult  ::)

Cmon Guys..post your favorites... ;D