Jokes

[nas]

One friend said to the other, "What is a dilemma?
He replied, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?"

[nas]

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep!
What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him the opportunity to speak while he's awake!"

[T Dog]

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

[T Dog]

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high
enough."
;D

[T Dog]

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker: (looks puzzled). "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

Data: (turns to answer). "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers...
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
::)

[T Dog]

Two cows were talking in the field.

One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"
:o

[T Dog]

One day, in the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed upon prawn.
"I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark."
Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says.
Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian.
As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed & I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."
;D

[T Dog]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."  ::)

[T Dog]

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"
;D

[Ringo]

A man entered a church and sat down towards the back of the church.

The Preacher stood up and asked if anybody needed any special prayers.

On hearing this the man stood up and said I need prayer for my hearing.

The Preacher came down placed a finger in each of ears and prayed to Jesus for the mans hearing and that it would now be fine.

On conclusion the Preachers asked How is your hearing now?

Don't know said the man I do not go to court till Tuesday.

[T Dog]

top ten least popular self help books

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"
9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell
8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"
7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"
6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"
5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"
4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"
3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"
2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"
1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian
:o

[nas]

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said,
"Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2013 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says......... "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

[nas]

Jet Black on hold:

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the non-racist version of "Snow White," has been put on hold.

All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and Wog have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because it offends black prostitutes.

They also say they have no intention of singing "It's off to work we go."

[My Chumps]

Had a good laugh at number two on that list T Dawg :P

[T Dog]

Jet Black on hold:

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the non-racist version of "Snow White," has been put on hold.

All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and Wog have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because it offends black prostitutes.

They also say they have no intention of singing "It's off to work we go."

Better than gold....... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D