Jokes

[T Dog]

for all you students of psychology...

During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.

One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"

"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.

"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.

At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."

The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."
  ::)

[T Dog]

 few more blonde one liners...

Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: How do you get a blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her drinks are on the house.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

Q: Why does a blonde wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means Stop.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box.

Q: What is a blonde's favorite color?
A: Glitter.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
::)

[Ringo]

A family tries to convince their father to get a hearing test and hearing aid as they feel his hearing is declining.

He says there is nothing wrong with my hearing I can hear all right being the stubborn day.

One day without telling his family he decides to take  of to the Doctor to have his hearing checked.  He tells the Doc he wants his hearing checked as the family are concerned that his failing.  The Doc test the hearing and says yes the hearing has deteriorated but with this hearing aid you will have 100% hearing but come back in a month to have the settings checked and adjusted.

After a month he returns to the doc and says the device is magnificent and he can hear really well.  The doc says I bet your family are glad now that you can hear well.

Haven't told them about it yet Doc just listening but I have changed my will three times.!!!

[T Dog]

The opening credits of "The Simpsons" shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the old "write it 100 times" punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down the sentences that Bart writes on the chalk board. The following are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you're not a fan, you'll like these:



I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will never win an emmy.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
;D ;D ;D

[T Dog]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I’m sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"

"Your horse called."  :o

[T Dog]

A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. he goes to her and says, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss your breasts!" The embarrassed woman says, "My boyfriend is the bouncer here, and if you don't leave me alone I will go get him!"

"Ok, ok, I will leave you alone.... I am sorry!!" After a couple of drinks the man walks to her again and said, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss you on your ass!" The woman said, "My boyfriend is VERY big and muscular, and if you don't leave me alone I am going to get him!" "Ok, ok, I am sorry.... It won't happen again!"

A few minutes later, the man is blasted, and tells the woman, "You know, I would LOVE to fill up your love canal with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!" "Well..... that does it, I am going to get my boyfriend... Now you are in trouble!!"

The woman goes to the backroom, and tells her boyfriend, "There is a man out there who said that he wanted to kiss my breasts!" Her boyfriend stood up, gave a little grunt, and rolled up his shirt sleeves. "And, he said that he wanted to bite my butt!!" Her boyfriend unbuttons his shirt to reveal muscles everywhere, and is clenching his fist and reaching for his ax handle. "And.... he said he wanted to fill my love canal up with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!"

The boyfriend takes a deep breath, puts his shirt back on, and sits down and continues to read his paper. The woman is shocked, and asks why he is not going out to get the man. "Well, any man who can drink THAT much whiskey must be one HELLUVA man!"
8)

[T Dog]

What did Dr. Dre say when 50 cent gave him a sweater?
    "Gee, you knit?"
8)

[McRooster]

Son: Dad, why is Britain called a kingdom?
Dad: Because it's ruled by a king.
Son: So, why is Australia called a country?

[McRooster]

How do five gay guys walk?

In One Direction.

[lolamusi]

My hard of hearing mate got fired from Starbucks today after a customer complained that his coffee tasted like shower!
My mate was baffled because he insisted that the customer had asked for a Crappuccino

HUEHUEHUEHUE

[truBLUE]

How do Mexicans cut their pizza? = With Little Ceasars   8)
*drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*

[henry]

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

TEQUILA!

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator  :)

[T Dog]

A cowboy walks into a bar and the bartender notices that everything he's wearing is made of paper - his shirt, his jeans, his chaps, his boots, his hat, his kerchief; even his spurs are paper.
He was arrested for rustling.  8)

[My Chumps]

How did the hipster burn his tounge on a pizza?

He ate it before it was cool  8)

[T Dog]

"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.

His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."

She said, "Pardon?"

He said, "I said I love you."

She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."

She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"

He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."
:o :o