Jokes

[T Dog]

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar . She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.

As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”
::)

[T Dog]

Two blokes standing at the end of a pier. One had ten budgies strapped along each arm,
the other had eight parrots strapped along each arm. They both leap off the end of pier,
flap their arms for a couple of seconds and then plummet straight down into the sea.
First bloke says "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
Second bloke says "Well i'll never get the hang of this parrot gliding."

;D think about it...

[T Dog]

A Carlton Supporter's Dilemma -

Answer on your honour and dignity as a Carlton supporter - what would you do in the following circumstance?

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Victoria, just outside of Seymour, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods.

You are a Herald Sun photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.

You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is - it's Eddie Maguire!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of Eddie, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the Australia's most powerful men.

Now here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select colour film, or would you rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

Answer - Colour of course! - Nothing in Black and White ever wins anything!

:-\

[SydneyRox]

Puns

When chemists die they barium
How does moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I met a girl who said she recognised me from a vegitarian club, but i had never met herbivore
PMS jokes are not funny, Period.
When you get a bladder infection, urine for it.
I was wonering why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me
Broken pencils are pointless

[T Dog]

 A few true meanings to things you say and hear....

Statement: “I’m a Romantic.”
True Meaning: “I’m poor.”

Statement: “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
True Meaning: “You’re the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

Statement: “I really want to get to know you better.”
True Meaning: “So I can tell my friends about it.”

Statement: “She’s kinda cute.”
True Meaning: “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

Statement: “I don’t know if I like her.”
True Meaning: “She won’t sleep with me.”

Statement: “Was it good for you?”
True Meaning: “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

Statement: “I had a wonderful time last night.”
True Meaning: “Who are you?”

Statement: “Do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you’re likely to find out.”

Statement: “How much do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

Statement: “I have something to tell you.”
True Meaning: “Get tested.”

Statement: “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
True Meaning: “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

Statement: “I think we should just be friends.”
True Meaning: “Frankly, you’re ugly.”

Statement: “I’ve learned a lot from you.”
True Meaning: “Next!!!”

Statement: “I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?”
True Meaning: “I need to turn on my answering machine.”
8) 8)

[T Dog]

 Sammy is attending his first Comedian's Convention. He's very excited to see all the comic's he's seen on TV sitting at tables all around him.
     The proceedings begin with a joke session. Jay Leno gets up and says "Number 64." Everyone in the hall laughs uproariously, except Sammy. Sammy turns to the older comedian who brought him, and says, "I didn't hear any joke. What's everybody laughing about?"
     "These are all professional comedians," says his friend. "They don't need to hear jokes. They all know the jokes so well, they've given every joke a number. They just get up and say the number. It saves time."
     Chris Rock has gotten up and said, "Number one hundred forty three," and again, everyone in the room cracks up.
     "Could I try it?" Sammy asks his friend.
     "Of course," the friend says.
     "So Sammy stands up and he says, "Number fifteen." Nobody laughs. Sammy is so embarrassed, he sits back down. Then he hears a voice mutter down near the end of his table, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."
;D

[nas]

The boss (Dudge)walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant (Karen)walked up to Dudge and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?

Dudge told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by Karens desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"

Karen smiled and said, "No, I didn't.

All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."

[T Dog]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied “I work for the tax office.”
8)

[T Dog]

Subtle ways of letting someone know their fly is open…

The cucumber has left the salad.

I can see the gun of Navarone.

Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

You’ve got Windows in your laptop.

Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.

Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.

Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…

You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

Dr. Kimble has escaped!

You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.

Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…

You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
;D ;D

[T Dog]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"  ;D

[Ringo]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"  ;D

Heard the same joke last week Tdog and rather than an economist it had a statistician.  Also added the punch line the Statistician got the job.

[T Dog]

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. “That’s total bollocks” I replied, by text, from across the road.   ::)

[T Dog]

We’ve all seen good and bad examples of car stereos. Now you have our new ranking system to best describe them. Even if you’re not into the car stereo ‘scene’, you can still tell the difference between guys riding around with a try hard sound system and one that is flat out bodacious.

Our ranking system is based on star ratings from 5 stars being truly an awesome event which you will never forget, to 1 star, something bad enough you wish you could forget. In a way you may find it amusing but in the end they are in fact quite descriptive and you can use them with friends so they know exactly what you’re talking about when describing someone’s car stereo.

1 STAR â€" Desperation on Wheels

Wow that chick jogging past me has her earphones up loud - I can almost make out the song pla… Hold on a second, that isn’t her, that’s the showerty 80′s something hatchback parked across from me with some doofus driver that’s dressed like he’s out of a B rated version of Boyz N The Hood.

Characteristics: Those 4 full range factory speakers are being pushed way past their limit, crackling and popping more than a bowl of Rice Krispies. You could get better musical fidelity out of a megaphone at a track and field event. Look for the hanging pine air freshener and a heavily faded Garfield doll suction cupped to the back window.

2 STARS â€" Tincan Man

Hahaha, what’s that sound? Oh shower! Its right beside me! I could probably spit louder (and hopefully hit their car). Sounds like the car beside me has it up “pretty loud” (cough cough)… Maybe I should warn him about the possibility of hearing loss, he must be pushing, ohh, 85dB!!! Hahaha!

Characteristics: Usually a level up from a stock system, with a “power booster EQ” under the glove box. Full volume, you’re witnessing popping sounds and distortion like the music is being played through a sand pipe! Look for the KENWOOD sticker on the back window. Even better, look for an ALPINE sticker and then see if the car actually HAS any ALPINE gear in it hahaha.

3 STARS â€" The Juvenile Committee

What is that? Surely that’s not another car going by playing “Another Night” by Real McCoy? shower, it is! An awful lot of crappy treble coming out of that car. Ahhh that’s because its got a row of… FOUR 6×9′s on the back shelf!?!?! As the car goes by you can see the LOUD light glowing on the tape deck. But that’s funny, there isn’t any bass… I could have sworn there was a bass line in that song? Why does that guy have his head hanging out the window looking for people to notice the car? I only did accidentally. Also notice the absurd collection of stuff hanging off the rear view mirror, how dire!

Characteristics: No bass, an abundance of treble, not a terrible amount of distortion but this is only because they got the volume one notch below total catastrophic melt down.

4 STARS â€" Rolling Disco

Someone’s out with their sound system turned up and windows down! But where? Ohhh, I heard it from that far? Geez, if my ears are in pain, what about that guy in the back seat scratching on the windows trying to get out! The power cable running from the battery to the amps is probably thicker than my leg!

Characteristics: Bass notes are pronounced and hard hitting, but aren’t knocking you over. Treble is reallllyyy loud which seems to be trying to make up for the muddy mids? Hmmmmm. Watch for the Knight Rider alarm light blinking back and forth on the dash!

5 STARS â€" The Earthquake Epicentre

WHAT is that sound? An earth quake? Horrendous storm? The arrival of God? You drop to your knees and pray in anticipation of God’s arrival, only to realize that the colossal amount of sound waves relentlessly pounding your body are in fact someone’s car! Oh my! Struggling to stand back up, you brush the dust off your knees, experiencing severe disorientation and an unsettling combination of nausia and being on the fringe of an orgasm. It is hard to tell how badly your ears are bleeding because your vision is so blurred from the bass lines. But the bits of ear drum in your hands are an indicator things aren’t good. Wonder if the guy in the car is human?

Characteristics: This car is a mandatory head turner that will have a special place in your heart for your remaining days alive. The car’s subwoofers give you a pressure sensation in your chest only equalled by the astounding levels of spine tingling treble. Basically a live concert for everyone within several city blocks.
:-\

[T Dog]

Fishing in a frozen lake

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.

Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!" :o

[T Dog]

A few sick ones ... 

    Down in Virginia, the prosecutors brag they could get a grand jury to bring a ham sandwich to trial. In fact, just last week, a banana was actually convicted of murder. It was overturned on appeal.

    Two pretzels were walking down the street, then one got a-salted

    A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be incredibly rude. Eventually, the scientist got sick of his clone and pushed him over a cliff. The next day he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

    A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over."Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us.""It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."

two flies are arguing on a toilet seat.....
one of em gets pissed off

a fish runs into a wall......
DAM

  ;D ;D